jOKES II

[BILL T]

You are obsessed!
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy".

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny".

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy".

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

[BILL T]

The Joke of the Day Archive


Bicycle
An Indian and a priest are walking through the woods. The priest is teaching the Indian the English language, so he can be integrated into the "white man's society".

As they walk along, the priest sees a tree and says to the Indian, "Tree." They continue walking along and come upon a bush, and the priest says to the Indian, "Bush".

They keep walking and eventually come out into a small clearing, where they come upon a man and a woman having sex. The priest is so upset that he's not sure what he should tell the Indian. The only thing he can think of to say is, "Man riding a bicycle."

The Indian then pulls out his bow and arrow, aims and instantly kills the man. The priest turns to the Indian and says, "What'd you do that for?"

The Indian replies, "MY bicycle!!"

[RainmanZ]

This post was deleted due to content.

[RainmanZ]

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find
out that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in the
middle of her first term as Senator of New York and this has
happened to her. She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and
immediately starts screaming.
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on
right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't
believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and
it is all your fault! Your fault! Well, what have you got to
say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?!"
Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.
In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

[RainmanZ]

LAST CHILD SUPPORT PAYMENT
> >
> >Today is my daughter's 18th birthday.
> >
> >I'm so glad that this is my last damn child support
> payment.
> >Month after month, year after year, those damn
> payments!
> >
> >So I called my baby girl to come over to my house,
> and when she got there, I
> >said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last
> check over to your
> >mother's house and tell that her that this is the
> last damn check she's ever going
> >to get from me, and I want you tell me the
> _expression on her face."
> >
> >So my baby girl took the check over to her.
> >I was so anxious to hear what the ***** had to say
> and
> >what she looked like.
> >
> >As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now
> what
> >did she have to say?"
> >
> >"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy"..
>

[NSANY]

Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.

-Alfred Hitchcock


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Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.



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Q. What's the definition of a minor second?

A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.



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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.



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Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?

A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.



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Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.



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Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards?

A. So they can park in handicapped zones.



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Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?

A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.



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Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.



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Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?

A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]



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Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain?

A. Gifted.



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Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?

A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.



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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.



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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. 5-one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.



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Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus?

A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.



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Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?

A. Add vibrato.



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Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they could have done it.



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Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?

A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.



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Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?

A. Skid marks in front of the snake.



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Q. What's the difference between a dead bagpiper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.



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Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?

A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.



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Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A. A bagpiper.



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Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?

A. Drool.



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Q. What's the definition of a quarter tone?

A. A bagpiper tuning his drones.



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Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?

A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.



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Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?

A. Someone is blowing into it.



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Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?

A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.



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Q. What do bagpipers use for birth control?

A. Their personalities.



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Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?

A. No one knows when to come in.



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Q. Why did the bagpiper get mad at the drummer?

A. He moved a drone and wouldn't tell him which one.



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If you took all the bagpipers in the world and laid them end to end-- it would be a good idea.



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Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?

A. A start.



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Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the ground first?

A. Who cares?



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Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A. To get away from the sound.



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Tom: "Hey, Buddy. How late does the bagpipe band play?"

Buddy: "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer."



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(A Hagar the Horrible Cartoon)


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(Another Hagar the Horrible Cartoon)
(Possibly early converts to the Hamish Moore approach?!?!?!?!?)


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Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?

A. Moving targets are harder to hit.



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Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?

A. Shoes and socks.



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Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?

A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.



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BAND STRUCTURE OF THE ARGYLL & SUTHERLAND HIGHLANDERS
Drum Major:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Faster than a speeding bullet
More powerful than a locomotive Walks on Water
Talks to God

Pipers:
Leaps small buildings with a run-up
Is a crack shot
Pulls railway carriages
Fords rivers
Listens to god

Side Drummers:
Vaults over fences
Is allowed his own sidearm
Can read a railway timetable
Knows how to put on fishing gollashes
Believes in God

Tenor Drummers:
Can open and walk through a door
Knows which is the dangerous end of a gun
Has his own train set
Wears Wellington boots
Talks to himself

Bass Drummers:
Trips over matchsticks
Is NEVER allowed near firearms
Says "Look at CHOO-CHOO"
Plays in puddles
Nobody listens to him and finally.

THE PIPE MAJOR:
Lifts tall buildings and walks underneath them
Catches bullets in his teeth and chews them
Kicks locomotives off their tracks
Drinks entire oceans
He IS GOD!!!!




Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?

A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.



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Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"



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Q. What's the definition of "optimism"

A. A bagpiper with a beeper.



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Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?

A. The frog might be getting a gig. (Some South Florida Humor)



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ANCIENT PIPING JOKE: The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.............The enemy's arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Irish ranks................Ten men down, and the piper plays on................Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.

Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, "For heaven's sake, can you not play something they like?"



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Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???

A. They have seat belts and an air bag.



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Man walks into a session with an octopus and declares that his critter can play any instrument in the room and $50 backs up his outrageous claim.
So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, $50 to the octopus. Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo....

Then the piper declares he is sure to meet the bet and come out on top. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong.

"Play it? I'm still trying to get her out of these pajamas!!!!!!!!!"

[BILL T]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze.
Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him
in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk,
"Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but
for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and
asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in
the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30
seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him
up.

The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found
Jesus?

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[probee773]

This post has been deleted due to content.

[NSANY]

Please keep the content PG-13, folks. We have a wide range of age groups who frequent this board.

Thanks for your cooperation.

[probee773]

haha, but you've got to admit it was pretty funny!

To society in general: Why is it that when we talk about violence and murder it is ok, but a little "birds and bees" content is immediately deemed inappropriate?

[BILL T]

This joke is so bad it's good, well kind of good:

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards
the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in
the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited
him back to her place for a drink.

They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the
bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many
times during the night.

The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him
breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replied....

You just happened to catch my eye!"

[Devil Z]

Originally posted by probee773
haha, but you've got to admit it was pretty funny!

To society in general: Why is it that when we talk about violence and murder it is ok, but a little "birds and bees" content is immediately deemed inappropriate?


I dunno? Maybe there are'nt a lot of violent jokes out there?

[BILL T]

Wow - stupidity rules! Today someone(falsely) tried to call in a prescription for a Valium type of stuff and when they got here forgot what false name they had used. Then she went back to her car and called someone else who was in on the scam and got the name wrong again because the other person forgot also.
The car had personalized plates (initial and last name), the doctor no longer practices, and she gave us her correct home phone when she called the rx in.

[AuburnZ]

Sounds like the two guys who were driving a Uhaul truck and were swerving out of their lane. When the police pulled them over they ran and got away. The police opened up the back of the Uhaul to find 3000-3500 pounds of marijuana which amounts to a street price of something like $2 million (according to the TV). When the police went into the cab of the truck, they found the rental agreement with the correct name, address, and phone of the guys who ran.

Sometimes it is just dumb luck that these guys get away with something!

[BILL T]

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Oklahoma.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for
a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than
let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't
know we had a choice."

[RainmanZ]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Alang]

A priest is sitting on a bus reading a newspaper on his way to the church in the morning when an older man gets on the bus and sits down in the seat across from the priest. The man smelled of booze and cheap perfume and had obviously been carousing all night. The priest looked with distaste at the man and continued reading his paper. After a few minutes, the man leaned over and asked the priest "Father, why does God give people arthritis?". The priest snaps back, "As punishment for a life of booze and debauchary!". After a moment, the priest realizes his curt reply was unfitting of his position, and thinks that maybe the man may have needed to talk to someone about changing his life. In a gentler voice he says to the man, "I'm sorry I snapped at you. Why are you interested in the ways of God?". The man replys "It says here on the back of your paper that the Pope has arthritis".

[BILL T]

Dog Story
> My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
>
> veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned
>
> both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she
>
> wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and
get
>
> some 'Nair' hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month. The lady
>
> went to the drug store and got some "Nair" hair remover.
>
> At the register the druggist told her, "If you're going to use this
>
> under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
>
> The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist said,
>
> "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
>
> The lady said, "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must
>
> know I'm using it on my schnauzer."
>
> The druggist said, "Stay off your bicycle for a week

[BILL T]

Try this... While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your
> right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
right hand. Your foot will change direction!